Anemic Royalty on Anemic “Royalty”

Truth or Dare Paparazzi

You know the economy is bad when nothing, and I mean NOTHING is going on in Hollywood worthy of reporting. What to do when you need a story, and can’t even find a Yorkie to kick down Rodeo Drive? Hmm. GOT IT! What say we check in with Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Frederic, and catch a glow of what he’s been  up to, what fun, heY!

But first, up for a bit of sport? How about a multiple choice quiz, I’ll call it Truth or Dare Paparazzi, where you, are the Photog, and your mission is to get a pic of Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Told you things were slow). As with anything worth doing, this is not going to be easy, and there is a “price” to be paid. So, to get the winning shot, which are you more willing to endure?

a)     Getting a rep for hanging around Beverly Hills street corners and snapping pics of old people.

b)     Getting a fat lip from an old person who thinks he’s a younger man and an old monarch for hanging around Beverly Hills street corners and snapping pics of old people.

c)     Wasting three years by suing an old person who thinks he’s a younger man and an old monarch for giving you a fat lip for hanging around Beverly Hills street corners and snapping pics of old people.

d)     Gah, I dunno, all of the above.

I know, tough choices, but, this is Hollywood, land of “Greed is Good,” so take answer “d”, be safe and go for it all.

This is exactly what photographer Dirk Smeten, age unknown, did, saying he worried he would be killed when Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband slugged him in the face three years ago on a Beverly Hills street corner.

In his legal complaint, Dirk claimed Frederic von “Ask Him” (Gabor’s husband) aged apx. 75, was  in the vicinity and began punching him about the lips while Smeten photographed him and/or Zsa Zsa Gabor, aged apx. 92, in May 2005. According to the complaint, the blow(s) caused Smeten to fall down in suffering with lip lacerations, cuts to his face, swelling, pain, high blood pressure, headaches and stress symptoms, to which Smeten continues to this day to get psychiatric care.

Herr von “All Sprechen” said he initially wanted to give Smeten about twenty large for busting on his chops, but Smeten opted for the long court road home in search of $137,000. On Friday, the court awarded Dirk $4,510, about right I’d say, after three years of negative economic adjustments.

A search for Smeten for comment turned out to be fruitless, however, von “Au Lait” was sited in West Hollywood savoring a Starbucks and sucking a stogie, and graciously consented to the following interview:

(Click pic for interview after the jump in new browser window or copy to http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1509417576)

ANEMIC ROYALTY

Prehistoric Poop

Please note. We don’t use foul language much here, but kinda feel like this silly story is an OK excuse, so, if the ‘S__it’ word offends you, well, we apologize, and just quit reading or hide the kidz and read on or mebe get over it, OK. ~ The ED

COME ON, HOW DO THEY KNOW THIS SHIT?

WASHINGTON —  New evidence shows humans lived in North America more than 14,000 years ago, 1,000 years earlier than had previously been known.

Discovered in a cave in Oregon, fossil feces yielded DNA indicating these early residents were related to people living in Siberia and East Asia, according to a report in Thursday’s online edition of the journal Science. Lord only knows how they figured out these guys were Siberians and not tourists from neighboring Washington State.

Somebody who supposedly knows his shit said, “This is the first time we have been able to get dates that are undeniably human.” Lucky ducks. Shit. Lately, none of my dates have been human.

Few artifacts were found in the cave, like magazines or cigarette butts, leading the discoverers to speculate that these culprits stayed there only a few days before moving on, perhaps following game animals or looking for a Burger King or cleaner facilities.

The petrified poop — coprolites to scientists — crapola to you and me, is yielding a look at the diet of these ancient excreters.

While the analysis is not yet complete, they say it is composed of bones of squirrels, bison hair, fish scales, protein from birds and dogs and the remains of plants such as grass and sunflowers – Yum! Alright, with a diet like this, is speculation really required as to why these peeps moved on from a cave with no windows or exhaust fan? I mean, who hangs around after taking a shit, gah.

The journal went on to say scientists aren’t clear exactly who these people living in the Oregon caves were. Well, no shit. I mean, with no phone numbers or nudies etched on the walls, it could have been anybody, including some ancient Senator or whoever, heY!

Unbelievable. I want this job. Can I email my resume?

~ anemi