Tot’s Hot, Paris!September 9, 2007
PARIS Hilton wants to spawn soon – and is getting pumped to prove it, heY!
Dirty minds! I mean she is getting pumped in the gym and, well, mebe yeah pumped by Jim or Howard or Larry or who knows what will be the the lucky one to get F(use)D by Paris the hairless – dog owner, and famous “hair of the dog” imbiber her own self. If you haven’t heard, it’s really OK, really, but Paris Hilton, The Queen of the Societ-ill Rags, is passing more gas in trial balloons by suggesting she is going to have a baby in like, mebe, um, “nine or twelve months.” Yup. You see Paris is one of the zillions of Americans who doesn’t have a map to locate an obscure nation starving for Hollywood adoption publicity. But that’s so, Brad-Madonna, already done, heY!
Paris Hilton as a mother, I mean a mother to like, a real-life baby, aye-yi-yi! So she’s decided to stay domestic with this to be produced baby, but not so with the name, noep! For this, she is going Euro, and has decided that if it is a girl, she will name it Paris, Jr., and if it is a boy, she will go with Paris, Jr. But, others say she kinda likes the name London too. Hmm, ya know, this really blows the whole Patriot Act thing. I mean, someone needs to get to the baby agent in charge of fan-happy names and suggest something a little closer to the home of a hurricane ravaged town, and I suggest naming the kid Tupelo or Sewanee, or my personal fave; Buloxi, all gender friendly choices.
Paris Hilton actually having a baby, it’s just so surreal! This is the kookie-cookie who traded in her dog because it was too fat – OMG y’all! And, can you just visualize career day at this child’s school…ready? “OK class, next we will hear from little Buloxi’s Mom…Paris! Please, come up here and tell us what you do, Ms./Mrs./Miss, oh, um, whatever!” Gah, were it me the kid, I’m thinking major hookie that day.
In a chat with Jackie Collins printed in Elle, Hilton unveiled her plans.
“I wanna have, like, a family and a guy,” she says. (Damn! Is this possible? Oh well, she did narrow-in on the correct gestation period – 2 points)
Paris, the jail-reformed, good deed doer, who proves it by giving thousands of dollars to club bouncers, waiters and cab drivers, says she’s sick and tired of the tabloids: “It makes me mad that I’m such a good person and I’m treated like rubbish by the press.” Fine, nooooo problem. Add that to the old resume: Porno, Alkie, Jail-Bird, and Rubbish!
Paris sez she’s already preparing for “mommydumb.”
“I just started working out and it feels great,” the Simple Life star (sic) says.
“I want kid(s) next year, so I’ve got to get my body ready.”
In the highly unlikely event she needs anyone to explain how these babies happen, I have included below a really suggestive musical tutorial, which may require a little imagination.
AFTERNOON DELIGHT ~ Starland Vocal Band
And for the lucky, er, duck, that gets to donate the sperm, here’s a little movie for you, and when Paris says; “having MY baby,” you best believe there is no “our baby” to this whole scene! But, the good news is, Daddy doesn’t have to be a pretty boy: “I used to care about looks,” Paris says, “but I’ve grown out of that stage. They have to be a good person.” Pablum for thought – burp!
HAVING MY BABY ~ Paul Anka
~ X anemi
“EVERYBODY IS UP TO SOMETHING, heY”