Prehistoric Poop

April 4, 2008

Please note. We don’t use foul language much here, but kinda feel like this silly story is an OK excuse, so, if the ‘S__it’ word offends you, well, we apologize, and just quit reading or hide the kidz and read on or mebe get over it, OK. ~ The ED

Some Really Old Shit

Some Really Old Archeologist


WASHINGTON —  New evidence shows humans lived in North America more than 14,000 years ago, 1,000 years earlier than had previously been known.

Discovered in a cave in Oregon, fossil feces yielded DNA indicating these early residents were related to people living in Siberia and East Asia, according to a report in Thursday’s online edition of the journal Science. Lord only knows how they figured out these guys were Siberians and not tourists from neighboring Washington State.

Somebody who supposedly knows his shit said, “This is the first time we have been able to get dates that are undeniably human.” Lucky ducks. Shit. Lately, none of my dates have been human.

Few artifacts were found in the cave, like magazines or cigarette butts, leading the discoverers to speculate that these culprits stayed there only a few days before moving on, perhaps following game animals or looking for a Burger King or cleaner facilities.

The petrified poop — coprolites to scientists — crapola to you and me, is yielding a look at the diet of these ancient excreters.

While the analysis is not yet complete, they say it is composed of bones of squirrels, bison hair, fish scales, protein from birds and dogs and the remains of plants such as grass and sunflowers – Yum! Alright, with a diet like this, is speculation really required as to why these peeps moved on from a cave with no windows or exhaust fan? I mean, who hangs around after taking a shit, gah.

The journal went on to say scientists aren’t clear exactly who these people living in the Oregon caves were. Well, no shit. I mean, with no phone numbers or nudies etched on the walls, it could have been anybody, including some ancient Senator or whoever, heY!

Unbelievable. I want this job. Can I email my resume?

~ anemi

One comment

  1. Well, there are certain prerequisites for this job… you don’t happen to have a degree in scatology by any chance do you???

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