April 17, 2008


One thing I sorta like about the gym I use, are the TV’s hanging above the cardio-tormentors, helpful in losing track of the monotony of losing what I’m there for. What’s bad though, is that all 300 sets are forever stuck on loser channels, like QVC, without a remote to be found, because anybody who flipped there in the first place is too embarrassed to “fess-up” to where they hid the control.

Today, I guess I scared the guy on the bike beside mine when I said, “Lord, take my eyes…I don’t need them anymore!” Yup, beyond belief, there it/they were, resplendent in colors and fabrics both unknown to nature – “Member’s Only” jackets. Is this even possible that somebody is actually trying, and will likely succeed, in making a buck comeback off these things? Gah. The audio was down, and I was hoping what I was of witness was a PSA advising of high threat risk conditions including, le gasp, a redux of a low fashion spark of boys of the 1980’s.

Have you ever tried to scream and a yawn came out instead? Yeah, well, I did, and come on people, say no to this! Surely this is not what Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton mean when they say, “we want change!” Or, maybe it is, who knows, I usually turn the audio down on them too. I dunno, I just accept that when something, like, dies, it’s dead, and then the worms come and it’s over, right? Wrong, and not to be with “Member’s Only” jackets – they’re back, and with a big price tag – $1,000.00 at haute trendsters like Revolve Clothing in Cerritos, California (huh, where?, left on Rodeo, Tehran?). Yikes!

“It’s back, and this time it’s not just for the guys anymore. Members Only now offers new twists to the classic and a fit specifically tailored for the female form. Time to get that retro vibe back– tracing to the success of the jacket that defined outerwear in the 1980’s.” Reg. $990. ~ Revolve Clothing

If you don’t know anything about these bad, and badly made jackets, good for you, but maybe you came to appreciate their “totally tubular, gag me with a spoon” ad slogan, stolen in later years by some condom company; “when you put it on, something happens.” Sounds like something George Bush would say to Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad following a half-assed nuclear rant. Speaking of which, have you noticed, Mahmoud, the diminutive despot dons a “Member’s Only” jacket with great frequency? He loves the damn thing, and calls it a “Ahmadinejad Jacket.” Groovy. (I feel a big scream-yawn coming on).

Actually, though, I think Mahmoud is the perfect plate for this unfortunate fashion retro-faux-pas. People, third-world dictators are so eighties, and so deja-vu, ever since smart bombs hit Air Force wing tips. Seriously, the chode almost needs a booster seat, defying gravity at 5’4″ in height, and wear’s a “Member’s Only” jacket! No accounting for guts, I guess, but stick a 5:00 shadow on Carol and Mike’s domestic, and you’d swear Alice and Mahmoud were separated at birth. So very Brady, heY!

Anyhow, enough of this. “Rots-a-ruck” to some erstwhile rag merchant named Kirtie Regan, who managed to dig-up the dead for a license to re-issue, certainly not my father’s jacket. I had zippo interest in interviewing Kirtie for this rip-stopping piece, but you can do it by contacting (not kidding):


Still think you want one? HA! Go re-watch the movie Shallow Hal and see Gwyneth Paltrow ask Jason Alexander if he’s the last member of the club when she sees him wearing a “Members Only” Jacket. Better yet, why not put one on – your revolving MasterCard, and watch what happens at 27.5% interest, compounded monthly. Now…the scream, it happened.



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