July 18, 2008


I was going to title this story; “Hollywood’s Hidden Agenda,” but the plot is so Twiggy-thin, even those with sublimed non-prime minds can see right through California’s latest ruse to dump it’s still laughably overpriced and undesirable faux-terrazzoed real estate. Oh, I’ll give ’em an “A” for attempt, but even George Bush knows; “foolin’ me onced’, and yeah, twiced’ fooled me…or something like that, yeah.”

In case you didn’t know, the latest left coast trend in property sales, is a voter initiative scheduled to hit this November’s ballot called Proposition 2, the Prevention of Farm Animal Cruelty Act. “Ee-Yi-Ee-Yi-Yo!” Nothing but old time guerrilla marketing, barnyard-style, crankin’ here, Porky.

Ed Begley, Jr, Ellen DeGeneres and Ed Asner have “issues.”

I don’t know who started this, I got bored reading, but you can pick it up by clicking your heels on their lame logo below and be swept over the rainbow to the “Californian’s For Humane Farms” website and sign up to host a “house party” for pregnant pigs and layer hens in need of more space, ostensibly for Tai Chi class, or to do their Pilates, I reckon.

According to the site, and all the big-time “B-list” endorsers; “It is cruel and inhumane to confine animals in cages so small that they can’t turn around or stretch their limbs. All animals deserve humane treatment, including those raised for food.” Talk about your oxymorons – Holy Cow, Batman!

I see what’s going on here. Since they can’t give away condos to humans these days, they’re out to bust existing laws banning farm animals from Melrose to Malibu creating a whole new buying segment. Finally, “Arnold Ziffle,” retired from his pig gig on “Green Acres,” can put his re-run royalties to a Realtor’s refuse along with the likes of Ed, the other Ed, and Ellen up there. And speaking none to fondly of Ellen, I can’t imagine a worse choice on the menu to spear this “humane” effort. This is the fem that just last year found herself fricasseed by the public for getting rid of her adopted homeless rescue puppy because her pre-existing feline friends had “issues” with the new kid, dog! People, puh-leeze…give me a…proposition!

The California Attorney General’s official summary of the chief purpose and points of Proposition 2 is as follows:

“TREATMENT OF FARM ANIMALS STATUTE. Requires that an enclosure or tether confining specified farm animals allow the animals for the majority of every day to fully extend their limbs or wings, lie down, stand up, and turn around. Specified animals include calves raised for veal, egg-laying hens, and pregnant pigs. Exceptions made for transportation, rodeos, fairs, 4-H programs, lawful slaughter, research and veterinary purposes. Provides misdemeanor penalties, including a fine not to exceed $1,000 and/or imprisonment in jail for up to 180 days. Summary of estimate by Legislative Analyst and Director of Finance of fiscal impact on state and local government: Probably minor local and state enforcement and prosecution costs, partly offset by increased fine revenue. (Initiative 07-0041.)”

It should be noted that if (when, I am certain) this thing is passed, the law will go into effect in the year 2015. Ehrum, why the wait? I mean, with all the neurotic chicks cooped in California, why not now? Even better, in order to generate immediate and sorely needed revenue from fines, and get some of these felons masking as family farmers off Rodeo Drive, why not go retroactive with the thing? So, why push out until 2015? One ponders; “What would Ma and Pa Kettle do, hmm?” It’s the real estate, “tha-tha-that’s all, folks.”

Consider this. According to those who know about these things; “given current market and economic conditions, coupled with the existing and projected future inventory achieved via foreclosure, it is predicted California will remain a net real estate “sellers market” for the next ten to twelve years.” Ha! Who’s gonna sit around until 2015 to cash-cow out of a condo?

Think food prices are high now? Go mandate swing-sets for pigs and frisbee trails for chickens, and wait and see what a plate of huevos rancheros will set you back. Of course, if you hafta’ have an incredible edible egg, I guess you can NAFTA it up from Mexico, because there is no way they will ever do something this insane.

I have this mental picture of being in a cali-chic restraunt, and my date enthusiastically asks the waiter about Chef Sandere’s special; the “beurre noisette seared chicken abruzzi with rosemary and sauterne…” to which, he gushes with somber aplomb; “Ah, mais oui, madame has made an excellent choice. We knew her fondly as Candice, and her foster-farmers recall she was extremely well-adjusted, no ADHD and Ritalin-free, and as a wee chick, enjoyed a fine disposition while playing crab soccer and pacific beach volleyball with her clucking cronies. We can, of course, serve this flambeed, should you fancy.”

Look, I’m all in fervent favor of humane treatment of God’s creatures (even most human’s), including the one’s that go hiss on the barbaque, but zero thought has gone into this ballot measure. Californians could no more exist without chicken on the chalkboard than they could without a cell phone in every ear. Yes, I know a couple of other states including Arizona have similar laws, but that’s the land of Barry Goldwater and John McCain – they eat ten penny nails over there, and only write laws to dupe tourists into thinking they are progressive and proactive. How else you gonna get people to pay to see mesas and tar pits?

We already have laws in all 50 states prohibiting animal cruelty, and can/should do a better job with enforcement. Even New Mexico outlawed cock fighting just last year. (You go, Governor Bill!) Somebody else has just got to find a better way of selling real estate – or a better use of one’s time and resources.

“Dahling I love you, but give me Park Avenue…” “Dah-dumb…”



  1. LOL- really really funny Anemi, but… have you ever read about the way corporate farms operate? It really is unspeakably cruel, environmentally unsustainable and dangerous to public health. We’d all be better off to have some govt. subsidies for responsible treatment of farm animals than to continue the current immoral, insane policies.

  2. You are one sicko Anemi. Unfortunately there are more then one of your types out there. But, there are also many of us who not only care about compassion to all living creatures but also care about what we put into our bodies!!

    Ever heard of healthy food like vegies, grains, beans, etc…

    I fail to see what is healthy about chickens,pigs, and baby calves who are raised in such terible conditions of confinement that they have to be injected with antibiotics just to be kept alive and then are also injected with hormones to make them big and plump for all you who love your Kentucky fried heart attack foods.
    You ever heard a Dr say to someone who just had a heart attack ” You need to eat more meat”.
    Just a quick note, and very rare here. Please know there is only one “Anemi,” and yes, sometimes I am “out there.” So what? No need for name calling – Sue, but, I do appreciate your reading. Anyhow, gotta go. Me and BK are off to hunt down the scallywag who is poisoning your veggies. Be well, obrigado,
    ~ X anemi

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